I feel like this has been a roller coaster of a week for me. In the end, I feel like it was exactly what I needed. I was floundering again (I know...what is new) and I couldn't seem to get back on track. Something happened to me this week that really was an epiphany. It originally seemed like a sucker punch but now I think it was what I needed.
Early last week, Leo (my husband) contacted me about wanting to start the proceedings of the divorce. I was actually really happy to hear that. We have been separated for about 2 years and we were just in a weird limbo. We knew that we never wanted to be back together but we weren't doing anything to actually make it official. I almost thought he was content to stay the way we were. I always had some reason why I didn't want to rock the boat.
When he called me, I was excited and started filling out the paperwork right away. I had everything ready to go for when he came on Wednesday to visit Gabrian so he could sign. When he arrived he was driving an unfamiliar car. I knew he had been having car trouble and thought he purchased a new one. It ends up it was his Girlfriend's car. That news that he had a Girlfriend devastated me. I was so shocked by my reaction. I felt like I was over him and would be perfectly fine if he started to see someone. I was so wrong...I felt like I was blindsided.
I spent the last few days really analyzing why I was having this reaction. I know that I didn't want him so why was I feeling so jealous. I finally came to the realization that I was jealous that he was going onto have the life that I have always wanted. I want to have a family and a significant other.
I have been living in my own limbo that I have created. I always put off things because I just need to lose some weight first. I need to either lose the weight or start living my life. I am just letting my life go by me. I know that I am going to regret all these wasted years.
For the first couple of days I was sick to my stomach and had no thoughts of eating. After a bit of time it turned into a new resolve for me. I am back on track and committed. I am learning to tell myself no and not make exceptions for everything. When I am out of the points for the day then I am out and will just need to suck it up.
I need to start exploring more at the market to get a better routine for me. Last time I did great because I had a rotation of food that I ate every single day. When I would get sick of something then I would switch it out for something else. I need to get back into my rhythm. I feel good today but realistic that it won't always be easy but no matter what I am not stopping until I reach my goal.
I went to weigh today and I am down 1.8 lbs. My weight is now 321.4 and only .4 away from being what I was from the last gain. My first mini goal is to get down to 315 which is the original weight I was last time I started and was successful on Weight Watchers. Shortly after I want to get down to 314.5 which will be my 10% goal.
I started walking today during my lunch hour. My original goal was to walk for 30 minutes. I found a trail next to my work and ended up staying out for almost an hour. It was such a pretty walk that I didn't mind the walk at all.
So wish me luck for this week. I know I can do this! I may start posting during the week to check in on how it is going.
Oh...I almost forgot. On Thursday on my lunch I went and filed that paperwork, so I am that much closer to Divorce. After work that day I went to G&M Pollack to get my ring cut off my finger. It has been stuck since I gained the weight but I couldn't stand wearing it for another day longer. My finger looks so funny right now. It should be about 4 weeks until it is back to normal.